Some people actually prefer these – they have them all over Kuwait right by the nice, regular, sit–down toilets. But how can one possibly sustain that crouch for the duration of a poo? And when people have worked out ways of defecating in comfort centuries ago! Those people must have thighs like football players, although admittedly other people spend far less time per crap than I do. God, or are people actually shitting from a standing height?! Aside from the revolting splashy grossness of this, what are they doing with their trousers?
Me: I can’t believe you want me to use Arab toilets!
NM: You probably won’t need to go during the weekend. (Isn’t it cute that he paid attention to my sparse pooping habits? Then again, people around the world, thanks to this blog, are in the know).
Me: True. I’ll still need to pee though!
NM: So can’t you pee standing up?
Me: Dude. I’m a girl.
NM: I know girls who can pee standing up. Your muscles are just weak.
Me: No you don’t! My muscles are not weak. If a girl tries to pee standing up it mostly runs down her leg.
NM: You have to aim it.
Me: We can’t aim it. You need a penis for that. I assume my lack of ownership of a penis is one of my most important attractions to you?
Other disadvantages of Ras Shitan: sleeping in a hut, all sandy and shit; crushing cold; nothing to do (although I have been assured there will be plenty of substances for abusing – and damn if I‘m not bringing my own personal bottle of vodka); crushing cold; no swimming because of crushing cold. I wanted to bring a board game but his friends are not that kind of people. However, the place does have electricity and they cook for you. Luckily New Man agrees with me that it is not part of a vacation to do everything you have to do at home in an inhospitable environment. He even used the word “cuisine”, because that’s the kind of guy he is – the sort that uses the word cuisine unprefaced by any ethnicity, in reference to an actual kitchen. I also warned him stringently that I was going to complain vociferously and prodigiously throughout; unromantically he responded that I shouldn’t go then if I was going to suffer so. So I have decided to bring along a notebook instead into which I will scribble furiously for the benefit of the blog.
He will also probably expect me to look attractive the whole time – a day has yet to pass that he has not made some criticism of my appearance. He is unversed in the ways of women, in my opinion, but he says that they’re merely “comments” and that he tells me when I look good too. He does not appear to have heard of the adage “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all”. This, despite my informing him of it repeatedly. He hasn’t let me hear the last of the time I wore some beige cargo pants. I thought we, as a couple, were “there”, but we clearly weren’t (and won’t be). We weren’t going to the first night of the opera or anything. He actually said the side pockets made me look fat (see, unversed). Actually, M strongly disliked those pants as well – but I know there are guys out there who think that a comfortable girl is thus attractive! I just haven’t dated them.
Well, tough tittie. I will be wearing cargo pants AND sweats AND hoodies AND fluffy jackets AND woolly things that say “Osgoode Hall Law“ on them. And glasses (although he likes those). If I go. My friends are doing things that are cultural and warm!
New Man also informed me that he is thinking of hiking up Mt. Sinai next weekend – Jesus, Mary and Joseph! You know what’s up there right now? Snow. Motherfucking snow. I can only take it personally. And for what? The bleeding sunrise? The spot where the Ten Commandments were allegedly carved from? The alleged Burning Bush? They can lick me. I nearly died climbing that thing in early October. He says he doesn’t mind the cold and that he’s fit. The place is a lawsuit waiting to happen, for sure – aged women hobbling up 1000 year old steps with not a fence to be seen. Even the camel they were forced to hire for me was sick of my complaining when I did it – my friends conferred on throwing me off the precipice. Luckily he showed enough sense not to even invite me to come along for that.
forsoothsayer
Unnecessary and not very diverting musings 
E
January 15, 2007
Ba2ollek eh, spare the poor guy the crazy amount of bitching that will inevitably go on if u go. he really doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into. squating while peeing. in the cold. & no swimming or board games. for u? i love sinai (when it’s warm!!) bass we both know it’s not for u.more importantly, i’m most probably not leaving to dubai before that weekend, and will leave on sunday instead to go to that port said trip, so u r coming!!
Anonymous
January 15, 2007
When my friends suggested i ask you to tag along to Mount Sinai, i told them that your past experience there was your fireside’s horror stories material.And then i mentioned the whole “near-death climbing” incident …. however in my version the camel was a donkey !
Safiya
January 15, 2007
This reminds me very much of a conversation I had with my them fiance, now husband:F: So have you used an arabic toilet before?Me: You mean the one with a little hose in? Yeah I used them in Egypt, they’re great.F:No, No (explains what he means)Me (Horrified):No way! That’s not a proper toilet!F: What do you mean? Me: You should be able to sit, take your time and comtemplate on the toilet. It’s good thinking time.F: I just do my business and leave.Me: In this country, reading on the toilet is very popular. People keep books in the loo for that very purpose.F(baffled): !Unfortunately he has one in his parent’s house, which I shall be getting acquainted with very shortly. I’m not the only one worried about it. When he told his Mum we were coming to stay, one of the first things she said was: “How will she cope with the toilet?”.Any tips?
Basil Fawlty
January 15, 2007
This blog has become all chick-y and dainty and on-the-scene..witty banter between significant others? Weekends on the coast? The truth about cats and dogs? If Sex and the City ever decides to franchise to Egypt, I’ll be sure to refer you as an excellent writer with no end of plotlines they can draw on, to keep the soap-loving masses thoroughly rivetted.Relax, I’m teasing.
Forsoothsayer
January 15, 2007
E is right. plus, must spend weekend with her before she departs for fairer shores!i didn’t nearly fall off…but i was going to pass out with exhaustion. and i DID get a foot cramp! IT’S UNBELIEABLY TALL! also, i had to borrow shoes from the hotel lost and found box or whatever.safiya: top tip – do not wear underwear and wear skirts. carry moist towelettes around. they don’t have a regular toilet?!i am, sadly, chicky and dainty…or u could see it as merely offensively lazy. but sex and the city! 7aram 3aleik! God forbid i should ever be introspective or “wonder” about things. besides, the so-caled witty conversation is verbatim.
laura
January 16, 2007
I’ve gotten used to the squat toilets from living in Korea. Many of the bars only have squatters, so when you can learn to deal with them after a few drinks, it isn’t such a big deal. When I was in Egypt and had to deal with them, it didn’t bother me. They are a bit different in the way they look… but same deal. One thing I always do, though, is roll up my pant legs. I shudder at the thought of them dipping in what ever is on the floor around the toilet/squatter.