Posted on February 17, 2008

14


Once in a while I like to amuse myself by browsing through the Cairo Craigslist, especially the personal ads. Personal ads in English, in Cairo, are doubly insane. The gay ones are gold:

Hello Everyone:

This is a very good advice to all of you on craigslist. This scammer/Thief/Con man/Crook, who professes to be Gay, and is looking for someone to live with, for the rest of his life, and wants to leave Egypt, is nothing but a LIAR from HELL. Please, I beg you, do not fall for his sweet talk because you will fall into the sam trap that I fell into. He would catch you, saying that he is a CHRISTIAN; swears in the name of JESUS CHRIST; swears in the name of GOD, but he is deceptive, treacherous and sweet-talk you into getting money, promising he needs help to come to live with you. My best advice to you is, please be careful with him. I have received four messages from people, who told me that they communicate with him and he also asked them to buy tickets but it must be bought from Egypt Air. He has two visas; one is Jan 20, 2008 and the other is Jan 22, 2008. Are they legitimate or are they counterfeit. Ask yourself the question. Please be aware of this international Crook/Thief/Con man/ Scammer. Please be aware of him, I pray God.

And then there are some pictures of him and scanned copies of his two American visas! I wonder what happened – did this poor lonely gay fellow actually bring him to the U.S.? In what way did he con him – didn’t he give up the goods? Even that gay guy who conned Terry McMillan (a writer who I hate with tears of bitterness for exemplifying that racism against white people that is deemed so acceptable in the United States – racism is racism) into bringing him from Jamaica, ignoring a 20-year age difference and marrying him, did give it up for like two years or something. My roommate S and I spent an enjoyable hour on our couch in T.O. watching her rip him to shreds on Oprah in the most vulgar of ways and we vigorously cheered her broken heart. Damn fool. I am MOST sceptical of any arrangement whereby a poor young man persuades a rich woman/woman from country with desirable passport that he’s in love with her. Happens all the time here. You would not believe the number of emails I get from American/British women who have met a lovely diving instructor/tour guide when they were out on vacation in Dahab, who looked and spoke to them like no man has ever spoken to them before. Should they marry them? They don’t really mind the two small children from the “previous” marriage to his cousin. Visa hunters, ladies. Or punani hunters (but I guess everyone’s used to punani hunters, having encountered puberty).

Anyway moving on. Another curious one is from an American woman saying the following:

i’m looking for a man to marry me out of this country-i don’t like american men-please help get me out of this country-i will be a good wife, take of your house and raise your children-i’ve never been married-am blonde, green eyes, 5’8″-i want out of here by february-

i’ll marry out of here and settle down anywhere in the world

please email me for more info

I’m quite tempted to email. What could possibly have gone so wrong in the whole United States of America that could compel her to recourse to Egypt? Federal crime? Sexual assault causing post-traumatic stress and hatred of white dudes? It’s suspicious in so many ways.

I think she should apply on Craigslist Saudi Arabia. Pregnant by next week.

I just read one titled “77 reasons I’ll be the best boyfriend you ever had!”

1. I’m very low-maintenance and easy going (most of the time).
2. I have soulful eyes… so i am told.
3. I enjoy being a man, and I really enjoy YOU being a woman!
4. I don’t wear the same underwear two days in a row!
5. I go to the gym, but I am not a muscle head.
6. I love dogs & cats, but I am not obsessed.
7. I don’t believe holding a door for a woman is passe’.
8. I love showering together.
9. I will scratch your back (in and out of the shower)
10. I’m romantic. I will buy you flowers and play my guitar for you all night.
11. I’m genuine.
12. I’ve travelled and will travel more, but I love home too.
13. I will sneak out of the bed and brush my teeth before you get up so we can have hygenic morning sex.
14. I will look you in the eye when we make love.
15. I actually don’t watch sports!
16. I care if you enjoy sex too!
17. I love a woman who smells great… and will show you how much!
18. I will always be the man in a relationship. No confusion here.
19. I work. (Sometimes too much, but I’ll always have time for you)
20. I learn constantly.
21. I keep my promises.
22. I love making people laugh. (Are you ticklish?)
23. I have excellent spelling and pretty good grammar.
24. I watch TV on DVD, so I can get the whole season in without commercials.
25. I know what makes the rocking world go round.
26. It turns me on when you work around the house in your little saturday morning outfit! 😉
27. You can pee while I’m shaving.
28. I am a good cook… and will help with the dishes, too.
29. I don’t snore, but won’t freak if you do!
30. I won’t ever cheat.
31. I stand up for myself.
32. I’m gracious.
33. I will hold you when you need it, and listen when you need to talk.
34. I will be your date to anything that you need.
35. I will remember your birthday (and I’ll make it so that you will always remember it *wink*)
36. I don’t care what we are doing as long as it’s with you.
37. You will always look hot as hell to me first thing in the morning.
38. I don’t do drugs. I don’t smoke.
39. I won’t sleep with your best friend. (Don’t sleep with mine!)
40. I will always tell you how beautiful I think you are.
41. I only need to see you 2-3 times a week… but more is an option as well.
42. I hate the phone, but I’d love you to call.
43. I LOVE getting a good back massage.
44. I will always show you I care for you.
45. I am not interested in wearing your clothes… but feel free to wear mine. 🙂
46. I won’t leave my dirty clothes on the floor.
47. I keep myself well dressed and groomed (for the most part)
48. I brush my teeth twice a day.
49. I’ll never hit you… except on the butt (if you ask nicely).
50. I believe making love is a two way street… and we can take turns driving if you want!
51. I don’t harp on your past… but I do care about your future.
52. I would rather see an epic movie than a chick flick, but with you, I can do both!
53. I treat you for ice cream or dinner too!
54. I love suprises.
55. Any present, big or small, will make me happy because I know that you were thinking about me.
56. Kissing is not optional!
57. I sing in the shower when I’m happy.
58. I don’t want to marry you right now… but tomorrow is another day.
59. I don’t think of foreplay as a chore.. it’s a must!
60. I have manners!
61. I won’t go out all night without letting you know and let you freak out.
62. I’ll call when I say I will. (I like it when you do, too)
63. Treat me like a man and I will treat you like a lady and I will always be there for you.
64. I look great in a suit and tie… and I bet you look fantastic in a skirt and heels too!
65. I appreciate it when you do the little things to get my attention.
66. I don’t hog blankets.
67. I love spicy (and still flavourful) food.
68. I can fix your computer (and car too).
69. I will zip your dress for you… and unzip too!
70. I can carry a conversation for longer than 30 seconds.
71. I memorize strange facts and will offer them up at random moments.
72. I would take a 5 star restaraunt over McDonald’s any day!
73. I won’t go through your drawers or try to get into your cellphone/email.
74. Your laugh will make me smile years to come.
75. I am sincere, and when I say something, it has meaning.
76. I will say sorry when I realize I’ve done wrong.
77. You have already invested by reading the list, so take a leap now!

Most of this sounds temptingly awesome, particularly points 13, 24, 42, 66 and 71. Sure, he says he has great spelling yet has made several spelling errors, but I actually misspell “hygenic” just the way he does all the time. There is also a frankly distressing number of exclamation points, but I can forgive this paragon such violations.

But…he says further down, “DON’T hook up with me just because you need someone to help you get over being dumped. I’m sorry for your heartbreak, but mine isn’t for rent.” Bummer, strange internet guy who undoubtedly has a serious deformity and is 5 feet tall! What about a dumper who can’t get over the dumping? Can she pee while you shave?

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