Really, really cheap shots

Posted on December 10, 2006


I have a Hi5 profile. It’s an excellent way of stalking one’s exes and their new girlfriends without removing one’s pyjamas. But ever since I put down my new residence as Cairo, Egypt, the cheesy horndogs have been descending en masse. Here are some choice unsolicited messages I received:

hi my pretty girl how ru ? ur so pretty&beauty i wish really to be friends from all my heart im so happy for adding me sweety & wish to talk wiz u really my mail ur so sweet & cute my princesess i wish really to be ur friend coz ur the prettiest i ever seen babe

– Guy whose profile is a picture of a baby (not himself). I hate baby pictures. Especially those vomit-inducing ones in flowerpots.

hi s…….. how r u i wanna tell u something am happy 2 see ur profaile soo we can chat at hotmail if u wanna add me ……… … by the way u is verey sweety . bye ana ba2a . see u ya gamila.

– boy whose profile shows him “playing” the guitar with what I assume he believes is a cute grin on his face. He looks like he has appendicitis. Btw, I was recently astonished to find out that an American friend of mine finds the way Egyptian boys say, “Ba2lokek eh… 3ayza a2olek 7aga,” absolutely charming. Randomest shit ever. You might as well yearn for “el 7esab lawsama7t” or some other mundane phrase.

my number is 0107012458 ring me and i will call u

– please, ring this man. Please. Clearly he’s doing us a great favour.

3la fekra ana lma shoft al profile bta3ek 3gbny dma3’ek we stailek fa b3telek messege 3shan 7aset anena hnkon as7ab. but ana mosh 3aref aklmek hena momken ntklm 3la al hotmail lwo t7eby we da al email bta3y. (
hstnaky ok bye bye.

– guy with a profile pic featuring a young Brad Pitt. A resounding ha2aw is heard all around.

????? ?????
My AMIL:medo_badwi@hot>yahoo:sky_love1973@yahoo
skype :mohamed19734846
TEL :0020108009345

– that was the entire message. Men – they think all of us are laying awake at night wondering how to get hold of the numbers and “amil” of random men. Precious info, that. Oh, and his profile picture was pornographic.

hallo s………. miss,
are you crazy enough to take off your shoe, and stroke your toes with your partner’s in a first date, do you like feet massagge, did you try it much before that you massagge someone’s feet with yours ????????????????
are you true, or only some words and a foto online ? is it so dangerous and scarey for you to exchange our mobil phones’ numbers ?
shall we dance, seniorita?
what’s your mail, please?

– Dear God, let me be just a foto online. A wild, high, hyper foto online. Also, do guys really think that 1) we think any guy wants to be “frinds” with us and 2) daring works on adult women? Those poor gits. You know what’s really “scarey”? The overuse of punctuation marks.
And the typical:

every one can touch your eyes but only one can touch your heart please , can u add me at your msn : i wait u bye

– this one had his passport picture up. Could anything be cooler than a Neanderthal with no forehead glowering at the camera in an ill-fitting suit? My loins are aquiver.