Posted on December 9, 2006


Most of M and I’s arguments are about food. This is because he hates going out for meals, and I love it. I wouldn’t mind eating at his place, if it wasn’t for two things:

1) He cannot cook, thus forcing me to cook. Before he met me, M could not visually recognize garlic and he only had the faintest acquaintance with the onion. I had to introduce their critical role in the eating experience. So basically, I will not eat anything he cooks, as it inevitably comes out dry and tasteless and usually involves the use of peanut butter or tuna, items which I feel have a very narrow application. Not so him. In response to these arguments he always says that for years he has been producing meals that both satisfy him and keep him healthy, and then he points at his impressive physique as evidence of his successful eating strategies. Obviously I have nothing to point at in response to this, as all my parts are held together by my pants and an assortment of jewellery.

2) Having agreed to cook because of point 1, I look in his fridge. His fridge usually has just fruit and yoghurt in it. Eww. He does not, like the rest of us, believe in keeping a freezer stocked with meats, or indeed any other frozen foods. He likes to buy them one by one as needed. Usually as needed by me, as he never produces meals that take more than 15 minutes to prepare, which generally excludes most animal flesh. And there’s nothing that turns me off more than a poorly stocked freezer unit. I also hate not having all my ingredients already to hand when I want them. It is a serious point of annoyance.

There is also the following routine exchange:

M: So you want to go out for breakfast?

Me: Normally I would, but I’m in more of a toast mood today.

M: Sweet!

Me: Actually, let’s go out for breakfast.

M: (Heavy sigh) Well either way I’m going to eat something first.

Me: No! No pre-breakfasting!

M: But I need to eat something nutritional and then I’ll leave enough space for a bagel.

Me: Dude, we’ve been over how rare it is to find bagels here!

M: Why don’t you have bagels? They’re the perfect food.

Me: Probably because we don’t like our breads hard and inedible here. Anyway, you can’t pre-breakfast. I’ll be sitting there eating all that sweaty food, and you’ll be demurely eating a bagel or whatever all refined? That’s not fun for me.

M: So call it a very late midnight snack. I’m going to go make a smoothie now. Anyway, your food won’t be sweating. Later!

Me: Fine!