Warning: Explicit. Not in a good way.

Posted on May 4, 2006

9


One day, a friend of mine msn messaged me with what he deemed to be a problem within my special expertise and experience. Both bathrooms in his apartment were being fixed that day, and he had to poo real bad. If he used the one that was currently free, the superintendent would shortly come in and be greeted with an unpleasant smell. He didn’t know any of the neighbours, and anyway it was during the daytime. I suggested that he should just go and spray the bathroom with air freshener after. He said it was a perfect plan – he knew there was a reason he was confiding in me.
So further documenting my experience with indignities caused by bathroom functions, I have the following to relate. Yesterday, our super came round to look at our blocked bathtub. He ALWAYS insists that it is a problem that could be solved by a plunger, and then he comes up and looks and sees that he will need to pour acid down it, and goes to get it. When he showed up for the necessary preliminary examination, I was busy trying to flush a poo. I informed him that we had two problems and showed him the toilet. He blinked, averted his eyes and just said “let me see the bathtub.” He just completely ignored the toilet and pretended that I hadn’t said anything. So brazen was his attitude that I wondered if I had said anything. He looked at the tub and then went to get acid. He didn’t return for three hours. I guess he figured I would have somehow taken care of the poo by then.
That same day I went to the doctor to complete a physical – I didn’t have any pee the first time and so she told me to come back. I peed into the cup and gave it to her. She unscrewed it and immediately started fanning her nose,“Oh my God, you really have the clearest bladder infection I’ve ever seen. I can smell the nitrates from here!” I was mortified. I am pretty sure nose-fanning is NOT something doctors are supposed to do in front of patients. After all, their entire job is dealing with unpleasant bodily manifestations of various sorts. Plus, I didn’t know I had an infection (usually they’re painful) and so I didn’t really expect to be embarrassed. I took my prescription and scurried away.

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